all her toil

 pull and tear, walk away, it follows kneel down whisper,  make believe  and its here live exist hurt and cry, its there fantasies and laughter, not long its right there.

 this water soaked heart I lug it around my shoulders droop the weight brings tears to my eyes it should be here somewhere the breeze just need to let it feel the breeze forget the burden until it reaches the sun  and the sun... those memories of the bright light where the weight is soaked away  and the thirst for water dies... 15/04/2021

You've had some of her when she was young what if you had more of her when she is old with her wrinkles and folds, creases and diseases Would you find a way to love her look at what you saw Or find something new to believe in  Or would you crinkle and make do Or would you stay away 07/04/2021

There's so much of me that is willing to let go I could be done with this  and then there is the if what if  there's a few years of the way it should be... 31/03/21

Is it love or is this  I'm not letting you  breathe I'm gasping too for your air Will I let you last 31/03/21

do you want to know... You're intense and immense take over my breath and my days and then you're gone like you've never existed and I go seeking you out again like a genie bottle you back  is it the same with everyone  is this what it is like with you too you musn't tell me if it isn't 30/03/2021

We don't talk everyday... theres a few things I've missed out on I havent traced all the lines on your fingers and the count of all the greys... I dont know the colour that you like best  do you know mine We need to talk everyday I also dont want to talk everyday just brush against you every time you pass me but I do want to fight with you every once in a while scream, pull the house down... make a mess of all the plans and then cry myself silly in your arms I also want to talk to you about the bread we forgot to pick up as we make love You can tell me about those colours you like  when I've forgetten about it in a few years you can point them out as I sort my laundry from yours if you dont want to talk 

Looked at it Looked at it again on insistence I can tell - this isn't worth a thing, he said What does one do now? There was so much riding on this. worth so much more as it aged one thought But now its just taking up space And all thats been wasted on it this long Pity, such a pity Let it just die away now, he said.

You got me a stalking ya Ought to know what a stink obsession could throw at ya! Just get back on the line and tell me you're okay We'll forget this shit and move on like its yesterday! If you must hit that delete button, do it with two in tow It ain't that difficult to be a gentleman you know

cancerous white, beautiful white, is it a never ending white there was never a black but im looking for the gray... i do need it i really do white stings and hurts, its numbing and its closing in on me tight so tight

It almost was... The moments of thoughts And those spaces of caresses The yearn of a voice And the flutter with a sight And then it became everyday Wants available And touches when asked Now love is Becoming less of itself Ah, when love almost was...

I cry out to the heavens My soul begs for respite Give me free, give me breath, give me light I cry to you each night...

truth be told I have no hold On love or faith On reason or hate There ain't a scum I don't define And there ain't a reason for me to smile But I continue to walk For this life ain't mine

As I explore my innards of dark and gore I look for those sunshines I may have stored I find the tiny escapes of light And run ahead like a little child But the ghastly shines fade my reason And I fear the crawl ahead I treason with myself

Thus passed the day Where I wasn't heard Thus passed the minutes Where I wasn't seen Thus passed those moments Where I was forgotten Thus passed...

I am looking at the drawn curtains is it to begin or to end... Was the act called I stand in abandon The spotlight stays on Unblinking and without a rest I rehearse again as I stand frozen waiting for a cue to move But the curtains have been drawn And I have been forgotten

I feel like throwing up the strangle's getting thicker i want that noose to wrench its way and kill me with its snigger it was nice knowing you hon i'm sure you feel the same and when i find my way out i'd like to be the one to blame the bile has finally built up i'd let the nausea take control if this is how it has to end then lets just rock n roll

The bodies mix The day diffuses Time then snatched away The pause torn open Fanstasy resolved to smithereens I ask for none I ask for neither I ask for an end to night and day Do me apart For I cant ask A broken bird to beat its wing Take me away For I want no war Give this a stop Give me the dark That is all I ask

I'm yearning and I'm craving I don't know if this is what they call it I do know that a piece of me refuses to be my own It floats, towards you Pulling me along I see myself whispering into the air speaking to the unknown For a few moments with you Wishing they would be strung together forever The suns and the moons The greys and the wrinkles The passions and the laughs They want to be with you I've been heard before I could be heard again...

I write a tear scented by an exploding flower wrapped in brown with a pretty bow Who it's from, you would never know Tangent circles, a rap on my knuckles was told But I've missed that point, I've long missed that point! my own embrace I dearly hold I taste that salt and fear that fright I'm an eight year old with a chucky syndrome but then i wipe me clean and be the queen save ten seconds and i'm back to being old  you give me my bread!! and water me down i'll count the clocks as they chime their dread grow the fat, kill the lust ugliness is heaven behold

I have a tear in my eye As I write to you There's something that I feel is amiss Is it me? It is isnt it I don't belong to you anymore because we dont want it that way we keep looking at the rises and sets like they belong to us but we dont belong to each other we're grown ups with our cups of tea and maturity no surprises here no statements made no promises we will make ever we are the new kinds we are heartless with a perspective with a process to what exactly? why dont we just believe that we dont exist why the charades do we really belong to each other do the masks extend if that isnt true Is this?

I eagerly await, that hour of pleasure and pain Those remnants of a fruitful solace The picture of hidden cracks reassurance of a sane that exists Like a trembling moth I gape wide and clear at my fields of golden corn I eagerly await, my light and my death.

Emotionless How long did I think you could leave me that way I fail I fail But That unspoken word and that welcome embrace I'm taken To that island I didn't know I craved A new breath to call my own A new moment to help me survive I'm going into the unknown again Will you be there To let me come back Find you I may want to live...

I've been told that I would need you That it would be difficult to wriggle out of That you would have a way That it would be insane That it may not make sense really That it would be difficult That it would steal some here and there That it would be futile if it was That it would still make a lot of sense That it should be worth a try That it should not let it take me over That I should probably allow it to? That it could be interesting you know... That maybe - I shouldn't keep talking to myself!

Those smouldering sands I rage with the joy of a child I've known you and the thrills They call out to me again I want to race to time It was yesterday I'm losing again...

I lie in bed, half naked and half true. Find a sheet and wait for familiar sounds to die down. Familiarity doesn't excite me any more like it did a few moments ago. Some of that ale soothes my insides tonight... This one shall pass without too much strife.

I see you coming and move you into a tighter embrace the lightness envelopes and peace restores You are near, you are here Together I'll be in unison with the light again The pain releases, the breath clears, the heart moves with a tender beat I ready myself for you and for it Come and take me, I'm ready...

I have a flame A flame that I endure That I douse That I breathe That I spark The flame that has stayed The flame that endures The flame that breathes The flame that sparks It's hot and cold It dances and smiles It touches where it shouldnt And then it dies only to spark again The flame is its own it isnt mine

missing a slice of my own who did i give it to?

--> You ain't mine Hell you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine I throw you a kiss and Kill you a flirt But you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine You don’t know me all And you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine We can go to bed And we can do it all And you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine You kill my thoughts And you hear it all But you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine You ain't mine Hell you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine I can feed it all I wanna have you all And you ain't mine And am I glad you ain't mine I don’t know you all But you ain't mine Hell you ain't mine

The stillness and calm are stealing desires The soul isn't being stirred by the perfection Give me an unease or two to deal with the bliss Silence this happiness, give me a thought Take away the paradox, give me a richer day If I continue like this, I may forget...

It's an addiction, this little bit of you A few puffs and a word or two and I'm free Only to hear this emptiness in no time This isn't the way it should be That's what you told me, unsaid, but you did let the feeling stray

No there is no solution None that I know None that they are letting me see Here I lie broken and cluttered With a mist in my eyes They just stare and wonder why I continue to tread alone No one to beg for company They don't understand Maybe they care But it doesn't help Nothing does

I feel like a bit of you When I don't know you Feel like some more When I do

The purpose is to keep distracting yourself! That's what they made me believe That's what I continue to do It's all a bloody lie! Does no one else see it Why am I asking these questions Why weren't these answers in my books. They will never know and may never want to. It's their idea of a joke isn't it Keep making flesh Keep on with agony. Should you be thin or punctual or cancer stricken How does it matter Keep your advice if you don't have answers for me What was your role To find yourself entertainment? I refuse to take responsibility and I am right I've conformed to a few but I can't be burdened by more. I yearn for my small fingers to be led by a warm hand A hand that can lead me to reason. Oh, do come by quickly I am close to giving up.

They smile, they're happy They have and they will They laugh and celebrate They fear no uncertainty They're simple, they're free A why will never be They're blessed. An escape they may never need.

Stop smiling, fool! You've stirred it again I'm pacing the streets I can hear the chatter in my ear A tiny bit of restlessness Where you touched me and left That touch lingers And that smile, oh that smile... Stop smiling! Fool.

Find no one to blame You are the one with a crushed head With a halo of vultures. Your wings have lost their feathers They're all meat and bone Pretty you are no more Inviting may be to a tribe of insects. Crusty scales cover your body Don't touch yourself. Parched tongue and grey eyes Caked with a destitute solitude Dream of that oasis of tears. Bloated belly and shrivelled breast You're the unkind picture of your truth Let those vultures fly you to your heaven Give them a taste of your salt!

I like imperfections too Just the way you do Your fingers searching for that flaw you would love Me giving in to my lesser bits finding joy in what you want don't want to show You letting go

There's nothing I want from you Just a conversation or two I've found that calm again There is no struggle There is no fear A thought is surely spent That leads to a fondness somewhere But if it were all to be taken I'd still be there