all her toil

 There are gardens that bloom with overflowing vines I've planted a story in each of those roots i see their leaves that nurture and wither  they are mine dead vine leaves, veins showing I've picked up a few they'll stay with me they are mine pieces of my stories they may get crushed or forgotten they are mine.

 at my lowest, my most vulnerable, when i needed you the most you chose to leave you chose alone you made that decision before you came your hands couldnt hold mine your words hurt  - you will need help for that depression again you said... stings, so many a cigarette couldnt be shared you were long gone no it wasnt a conversation it was news to be relayed maybe it was needed to be done but it could have been done better package it outside of a streetside coffee shop maybe somewhere a tear could be shed where a hug could have smoothened the edges i couldnt have felt stranger or more alive than a dried frail branch that you stepped on and left behind cracked on that dusty road  and only today I know why and how i feel. its taken me this long to know i was in pain. 3/01/24

i dreamt a normal day again this morning of you wrapped on me me cold as always you lending me your warmth as you do I wake up to reality, shake those moisture laden webs move on with the day finding more a scent here, a sound there, that thing you gave me, that laugh we shared freshly wrapped in my new found webs i'll go back to bed

   to fear a walk into those beautiful familiar woods to snatch away from the faint smell of those tuberoses growing wild circling the boundaries of the known, the sun beats down. the feet turn around and walk free  from unconditional love

I've paused my flailing limbs to hear  ... there was a reason and there is you were not wrong just know this isn't for you to strive its for you to live in it is the peace and the joy  that this was meant for the noise will fade away... my ocean is calm the water doesnt sting anymore I float and smile

 I dont know what you sound like feel like or look like anymore blotted from memory The us also sounds different now clouds of a different tune what was that again... So much put into the attic locked away The doors make sounds though I listen to the knocks of anguish

 it's here and it twinkles touching my way through begin to see it's blush fills through slowly so much that could have been missed fingers touch I float along he shows me the shine we'll stay here he says

it was misplaced a few days ago but today its all void like it never existed like it doesnt matter like it never did im turning into every familiar sound only to see that gaping hole grow larger

 I know now that I am selfish in all that I feel I'll flow over the rocks the love unbounded you be free and do better than me :)

 the breath is shallow, slow its like what the world around me feels now churns and stirs of pain  wrenches and bile that just stays, to remind everything is unpleasant inside and out

 pause, and a tear runs down then distract and some more again there'll be pails then plants and trees and forests there'll be rains and lakes and rivers and oceans come quickly and find my love again willya

 All I feel is pain yards and yards of it I'll knit and sow  and keep warm with it

 This idea of you and me I remember how I used to look at it and smile  How beautiful and bright :) And then when I stepped in The warmth engulfed, I felt the bright... but its gotten very lonely here now without you

there's so much unsaid  so much more to give was just getting started  learning climbing the mountains of the many wrongs looking to fly  then that pebble, that tiny pebble that grew into a rock or was it always a rock... out of nowhere crushed. but also thrown deep into the gorges to be lost forever years taken away 10 years  or is it more... hurtling down not clinging on anymore but there's so much more to give and so much unsaid whisper it into the wind  as I fall can't be gone with this bursting heart

I get smaller and cower in a corner hoping you'll protect me from what you really feel

  my sweet love we musn't force what isn't you've had a lonely night or two, I've been just as hazy too a choice was made to deal with it alone and away and that my sweet love is not what we should've made. if the self or the other repulses it surely isn't what was to be I'm walking away cos you should have more to see...

 we're fragile we dont speak

 they're all hazy the moon, the lilly, the pillow... its been cloudy and its poured down I must delight in this weather summoned it I have but you should go there's a sun waiting for you somewhere

 pull and tear, walk away, it follows kneel down whisper,  make believe  and its here live exist hurt and cry, its there fantasies and laughter, not long its right there.

 this water soaked heart I lug it around my shoulders droop the weight brings tears to my eyes it should be here somewhere the breeze just need to let it feel the breeze forget the burden until it reaches the sun  and the sun... those memories of the bright light where the weight is soaked away  and the thirst for water dies... 15/04/2021