all her toil

 at my lowest, my most vulnerable, when i needed you the most you chose to leave you chose alone you made that decision before you came your hands couldnt hold mine your words hurt  - you will need help for that depression again you said... stings, so many a cigarette couldnt be shared you were long gone no it wasnt a conversation it was news to be relayed maybe it was needed to be done but it could have been done better package it outside of a streetside coffee shop maybe somewhere a tear could be shed where a hug could have smoothened the edges i couldnt have felt stranger or more alive than a dried frail branch that you stepped on and left behind cracked on that dusty road  and only today I know why and how i feel. its taken me this long to know i was in pain. 3/01/24

i dreamt a normal day again this morning of you wrapped on me me cold as always you lending me your warmth as you do I wake up to reality, shake those moisture laden webs move on with the day finding more a scent here, a sound there, that thing you gave me, that laugh we shared freshly wrapped in my new found webs i'll go back to bed

   to fear a walk into those beautiful familiar woods to snatch away from the faint smell of those tuberoses growing wild circling the boundaries of the known, the sun beats down. the feet turn around and walk free  from unconditional love

I've paused my flailing limbs to hear  ... there was a reason and there is you were not wrong just know this isn't for you to strive its for you to live in it is the peace and the joy  that this was meant for the noise will fade away... my ocean is calm the water doesnt sting anymore I float and smile

 I dont know what you sound like feel like or look like anymore blotted from memory The us also sounds different now clouds of a different tune what was that again... So much put into the attic locked away The doors make sounds though I listen to the knocks of anguish

 it's here and it twinkles touching my way through begin to see it's blush fills through slowly so much that could have been missed fingers touch I float along he shows me the shine we'll stay here he says

it was misplaced a few days ago but today its all void like it never existed like it doesnt matter like it never did im turning into every familiar sound only to see that gaping hole grow larger

 I know now that I am selfish in all that I feel I'll flow over the rocks the love unbounded you be free and do better than me :)

 the breath is shallow, slow its like what the world around me feels now churns and stirs of pain  wrenches and bile that just stays, to remind everything is unpleasant inside and out

 pause, and a tear runs down then distract and some more again there'll be pails then plants and trees and forests there'll be rains and lakes and rivers and oceans come quickly and find my love again willya

 All I feel is pain yards and yards of it I'll knit and sow  and keep warm with it

 This idea of you and me I remember how I used to look at it and smile  How beautiful and bright :) And then when I stepped in The warmth engulfed, I felt the bright... but its gotten very lonely here now without you

there's so much unsaid  so much more to give was just getting started  learning climbing the mountains of the many wrongs looking to fly  then that pebble, that tiny pebble that grew into a rock or was it always a rock... out of nowhere crushed. but also thrown deep into the gorges to be lost forever years taken away 10 years  or is it more... hurtling down not clinging on anymore but there's so much more to give and so much unsaid whisper it into the wind  as I fall can't be gone with this bursting heart

I get smaller and cower in a corner hoping you'll protect me from what you really feel

  my sweet love we musn't force what isn't you've had a lonely night or two, I've been just as hazy too a choice was made to deal with it alone and away and that my sweet love is not what we should've made. if the self or the other repulses it surely isn't what was to be I'm walking away cos you should have more to see...

 we're fragile we dont speak

 they're all hazy the moon, the lilly, the pillow... its been cloudy and its poured down I must delight in this weather summoned it I have but you should go there's a sun waiting for you somewhere

 pull and tear, walk away, it follows kneel down whisper,  make believe  and its here live exist hurt and cry, its there fantasies and laughter, not long its right there.

 this water soaked heart I lug it around my shoulders droop the weight brings tears to my eyes it should be here somewhere the breeze just need to let it feel the breeze forget the burden until it reaches the sun  and the sun... those memories of the bright light where the weight is soaked away  and the thirst for water dies... 15/04/2021

You've had some of her when she was young what if you had more of her when she is old with her wrinkles and folds, creases and diseases Would you find a way to love her look at what you saw Or find something new to believe in  Or would you crinkle and make do Or would you stay away 07/04/2021

There's so much of me that is willing to let go I could be done with this  and then there is the if what if  there's a few years of the way it should be... 31/03/21

Is it love or is this  I'm not letting you  breathe I'm gasping too for your air Will I let you last 31/03/21

do you want to know... You're intense and immense take over my breath and my days and then you're gone like you've never existed and I go seeking you out again like a genie bottle you back  is it the same with everyone  is this what it is like with you too you musn't tell me if it isn't 30/03/2021

We don't talk everyday... theres a few things I've missed out on I havent traced all the lines on your fingers and the count of all the greys... I dont know the colour that you like best  do you know mine We need to talk everyday I also dont want to talk everyday just brush against you every time you pass me but I do want to fight with you every once in a while scream, pull the house down... make a mess of all the plans and then cry myself silly in your arms I also want to talk to you about the bread we forgot to pick up as we make love You can tell me about those colours you like  when I've forgetten about it in a few years you can point them out as I sort my laundry from yours if you dont want to talk 

Looked at it Looked at it again on insistence I can tell - this isn't worth a thing, he said What does one do now? There was so much riding on this. worth so much more as it aged one thought But now its just taking up space And all thats been wasted on it this long Pity, such a pity Let it just die away now, he said.

You got me a stalking ya Ought to know what a stink obsession could throw at ya! Just get back on the line and tell me you're okay We'll forget this shit and move on like its yesterday! If you must hit that delete button, do it with two in tow It ain't that difficult to be a gentleman you know

cancerous white, beautiful white, is it a never ending white there was never a black but im looking for the gray... i do need it i really do white stings and hurts, its numbing and its closing in on me tight so tight

It almost was... The moments of thoughts And those spaces of caresses The yearn of a voice And the flutter with a sight And then it became everyday Wants available And touches when asked Now love is Becoming less of itself Ah, when love almost was...

I cry out to the heavens My soul begs for respite Give me free, give me breath, give me light I cry to you each night...

truth be told I have no hold On love or faith On reason or hate There ain't a scum I don't define And there ain't a reason for me to smile But I continue to walk For this life ain't mine

As I explore my innards of dark and gore I look for those sunshines I may have stored I find the tiny escapes of light And run ahead like a little child But the ghastly shines fade my reason And I fear the crawl ahead I treason with myself

Thus passed the day Where I wasn't heard Thus passed the minutes Where I wasn't seen Thus passed those moments Where I was forgotten Thus passed...

I am looking at the drawn curtains is it to begin or to end... Was the act called I stand in abandon The spotlight stays on Unblinking and without a rest I rehearse again as I stand frozen waiting for a cue to move But the curtains have been drawn And I have been forgotten

I feel like throwing up the strangle's getting thicker i want that noose to wrench its way and kill me with its snigger it was nice knowing you hon i'm sure you feel the same and when i find my way out i'd like to be the one to blame the bile has finally built up i'd let the nausea take control if this is how it has to end then lets just rock n roll

The bodies mix The day diffuses Time then snatched away The pause torn open Fanstasy resolved to smithereens I ask for none I ask for neither I ask for an end to night and day Do me apart For I cant ask A broken bird to beat its wing Take me away For I want no war Give this a stop Give me the dark That is all I ask

I'm yearning and I'm craving I don't know if this is what they call it I do know that a piece of me refuses to be my own It floats, towards you Pulling me along I see myself whispering into the air speaking to the unknown For a few moments with you Wishing they would be strung together forever The suns and the moons The greys and the wrinkles The passions and the laughs They want to be with you I've been heard before I could be heard again...

I write a tear scented by an exploding flower wrapped in brown with a pretty bow Who it's from, you would never know Tangent circles, a rap on my knuckles was told But I've missed that point, I've long missed that point! my own embrace I dearly hold I taste that salt and fear that fright I'm an eight year old with a chucky syndrome but then i wipe me clean and be the queen save ten seconds and i'm back to being old  you give me my bread!! and water me down i'll count the clocks as they chime their dread grow the fat, kill the lust ugliness is heaven behold

I have a tear in my eye As I write to you There's something that I feel is amiss Is it me? It is isnt it I don't belong to you anymore because we dont want it that way we keep looking at the rises and sets like they belong to us but we dont belong to each other we're grown ups with our cups of tea and maturity no surprises here no statements made no promises we will make ever we are the new kinds we are heartless with a perspective with a process to what exactly? why dont we just believe that we dont exist why the charades do we really belong to each other do the masks extend if that isnt true Is this?

I eagerly await, that hour of pleasure and pain Those remnants of a fruitful solace The picture of hidden cracks reassurance of a sane that exists Like a trembling moth I gape wide and clear at my fields of golden corn I eagerly await, my light and my death.